Consider The Use of Adversity

ɴᴀᴜᴛʜɪᴢ - ᴛʜᴇ ɴᴇᴄᴇssɪᴛʏ ᴏғ ʟᴇᴀʀɴɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ᴅᴇᴀʟ ᴡɪᴛʜ sᴇᴠᴇʀᴇ ᴄᴏɴsᴛʀᴀɪɴᴛ.

“𝘞𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘢𝘵 𝘭𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘶𝘱𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘙𝘶𝘯𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘢 𝘴𝘮𝘪𝘭𝘦, 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘨𝘯𝘪𝘻𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘣𝘭𝘦𝘴, 𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘢𝘭𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘦𝘵𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘢𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘵𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘴, 𝘨𝘶𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘴.” 

Ugh, I’m not there yet but I know I will be eventually… I knew there would be a sudden awakening and liberation of self from my Lunar Return chart in August, but I never expected it to be this.

In that chart Uranus was on the Ascendant. The planet of freedom, innovation, and higher consciousness sat right smack on one of the point of the expression of one’s appearance and personality in a social context. Two days before the date of the return I decided to run 3 miles without walking just to see if I could do it as I hadn’t in a few years and was considering doing a 5k with some friends the following month. Well, I did it! I did feel a few weird sensations of weakness in my left knee where it felt unstable but didn’t think too much into it.

I was pretty exhausted after that run and remember saying to my friends that I wasn’t sure if playing dodgeball after was going to be a good idea or horrible idea but decided to do it anyways. Very shortly into our game, I ran up closer to the court line and kneeled down to grab a ball on the ground, and instead I felt my leg pull into two different directions and collapsed on the floor.

I had to be walked off the court but still wasn’t allowing the fear of something actually really being wrong penetrate my brain. I’ve messed up my knees and have pulled my hamstrings plenty of times, even tore a tricep, and while it may take a few to recover I am always fine. It wasn’t until the next morning that I could not bear any weight on my leg that I realized we may actually really have a problem. One week later, a completely torn ACL was confirmed and the need for surgery if I wished to return to current level of activity again. Of course, as physicality has always been such an integral component of joy in my life, I opted for surgery.

I had zero clue, how hard recovery would be with not only the lack of ability to do essential daily activities but how it would affect me psychologically. I remember giving my Mom a raised eyebrow when she mentioned she’d stay with me the first night post op thinking really? Is that actually necessary? Well, 2 weeks later, she was still here. I honestly have no idea how I would have gotten by without her.

It’s one thing to experience pain, it’s awful to not be able to stand to make yourself something to eat or be able to lift your leg into the shower so you may bathe, but the absolute worst and inescapable is witnessing it all while simply being stuck in a body that you fear will collapse on you. The mind keeps going, but there’s no where to run, there’s no where to hide- you can’t even walk, and you just have to sit there with yourself and allow everything to come up.

Perseverance has always been one of my strengths. Pain? What’s that? Hardship? Just keep pushing forward, stay busy, distract, it will pass. While that is true it doesn’t eliminate the need to actually process and heal whatever transpired, and it either needs to come up to be released or unknowingly in our unawareness we hold on to that energy and it stunts our growth and creates more issues later on.

Ironically (or maybe not if I claim myself a reader of the cosmos), this experience illustrates the whole theme of Pluto being highlighted as it is finally changing signs and it’s indication of deeply personal transformative experiences from transmuting items previously buried and hidden in the dark of our psyche. Then the Rune of Nauthiz, which I had pulled at random and wrote on my palm as a reminder, represents the obstacles we create for ourselves as well as those we encounter in the world around us. Just as Pluto’s role serves to bring what is hidden into the light, the role of Nauthiz is to help us to identify what we have repressed into the shadows so that we may mend, restore, and redress. “When fisherman can’t go to sea they repair nets. Let the constraints of the time serve you in righting your relationship to your Self. Be mindful the rectification must become before progress. And as always, consider the use of adversity.”

While I have not enjoyed this experience, I accept its unexpected appearance into my life and know its meaning is much more than what is on the surface. I know I will get through it, and be better for it. And until I am looking back on it all with a humble smile I will be intent on celebrating every small win, and in the moments of stillness remember to practice gratitude for all the little things I previously took for granted.